So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize