Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
