I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
