She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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