my phone needs a breathalizer
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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