we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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