Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
