just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
