i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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