do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
