I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
