Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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