bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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