Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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