i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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