just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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