My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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