how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I deserve this hangover.
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