A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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