Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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