nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
