there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Found the puke drawer
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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