Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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