Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
If I had your ass I would rule the world
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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