You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
