Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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