So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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