it wasn't lemon gatorade
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
