whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize