Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
