You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize