You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
