remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
