hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
