Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize