im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
