Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
