Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
