I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
