shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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