Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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