Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
