Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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