She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
