the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We smell like vodka and hangover
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
