I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
