Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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