I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
