Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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