Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
