i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
