Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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