Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
