So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
