I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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