I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize