The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
