We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
